The top 5 Christmas films of all time (do not @ me)

Here’s some brand new information for you: There’s only four more days until Christmas. I’ve checked the advent calendars I have dotted around in every place I spend more than an hour per day (Home, work, beach bar) and they’ve all confirmed it. It’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve. And I’m very easily distracted so by the time I finish writing this it might even be Christmas Eve Eve Eve. I do not approve of adults counting down the days in “sleeps”, but I will count them down in eves until the cows come home.

I’m heading back to Watford for Christmas because my life is an endless parade of glamour, so I’m currently packing. Which does, of course, mean I am doing anything I possibly can that does not involve packing, but there’s a suitcase in the corner of the room while I do it. An empty one, of course.

Which leads me seamlessly onto the undisputed best Christmas films ever according to me, an expert who does not need your input:

Top Christmas film number five… The Santa Clause

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I utilise similar cooking techniques

When I was little we had this on a VHS that was recorded off the TV and, if I look in the living room chest hard enough when I go home, we probably still do. In this film they eat Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve, which led me to tell people with absolute confidence for years that that is what every person in the USA does for Christmas. I now understand that it was actually because they had some deep-rooted family problems. But I like the idea that if I ever murder a stranger I could get away with it by somehow absorbing their essence and wearing lots of red. It also instilled in me a deep suspicion of all small print. If somebody gives you their business card, always check the graphics in case they are secret terms and conditions.

Top Christmas film number four… Miracle on 34th Street

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Susan makin’ it rain up in here

If you think I’m talking about the original this whole blog is not for you. I have always felt like Susan and I would be friends. She had a secret double life as Matilda, she has an obsession with a very nice house that I would also like to live in, and she’s trying to limit her intake of sugar, and I could totally help her out with that. Plus she ends up looking like a hero at the end of a trial of national importance by doing very little work. And I bet Brian let her keep the dollar bill afterwards. I’ve slightly forgotten if I love this film or just want to be a young Mara Wilson. Both, I think?

Top Christmas film number three… Home Alone

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Full disclosure: This was originally The Holiday because there’s a nice house in it. And then I thought ‘which Christmas film contains the BEST house of all which has probably become marginally more affordable thanks to a local crime spree?’, and then everything changed. Plus, I just like the idea that if it was a matter of life and death I could defend myself relatively easily using toys, and paint, and also a weird hot loop of some kind on a door handle. In fact, I’d even go so far as to say my flat isn’t messy – it’s actually a permanent, year-round homage to Kevin McCallister and all he did for us.

Top Christmas film number two… The Grinch

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OMG same

Jim Carrey has gone massively down in my estimation since all of the Anti-vax stuff, but when he was stealing presents from an entire town and walking around a cave in a floral dressing gown he was the first living example of life goals. Also, ‘Where Are You Christmas?’ is an excellent tune (not the bullshit one from the credits, the one sung by the little girl from Gossip Girl) and if you disagree we can’t be friends. Also, I just really like stuff that rhymes.

Top Christmas film number one… Elf

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I am not open to discussion. This concludes the countdown.

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